he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
