Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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