you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am one with the molecules
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
