Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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