On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The feeling are messing with the penis
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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