Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
