he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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