My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
