why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Houston, we have a squirter
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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