i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
