i don't want you to think of me as your TA
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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