Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
