I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
