all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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