I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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