What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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