I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
