Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
