Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
