i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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