Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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