and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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