sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
