She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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