Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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