No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
