I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
