Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
