She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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