my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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