my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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