she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.