If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.