im holly from the hills drunk
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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