I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.