Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
false alarm, still single
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
