my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
