The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just had sex on a roof
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
