We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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