we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
