my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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