Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
