careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
