In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex