Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life