Texts From Last Night

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  (703): View more from Virginia

  someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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  (703): someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat... http://tfl.nu/oev5
  Replies (7) Good night (750) Bad night (1566)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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  (609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy
  Replies (35) Good night (6901) Bad night (1184)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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  (602): You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary. http://tfl.nu/hnqx
  Replies (24) Good night (5545) Bad night (1192)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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  (404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4
  Replies (18) Good night (7097) Bad night (1132)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Decisions, decisions.

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  (319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5
  Replies (46) Good night (8980) Bad night (1257)
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  (498): View more from

  You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

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  (498): You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/rks2
  Replies (7) Good night (3396) Bad night (1004)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.

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  (740): Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever. http://tfl.nu/lye3
  Replies (8) Good night (2092) Bad night (737)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.

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  (785): I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me. http://tfl.nu/wjzj
  Replies (2) Good night (877) Bad night (502)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.

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  (541): 25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that. http://tfl.nu/kj3r
  Replies (12) Good night (690) Bad night (952)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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  (307): I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard. http://tfl.nu/j9hb
  Replies (15) Good night (1157) Bad night (638)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

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  (406): I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler. http://tfl.nu/7ln7
  Replies (4) Good night (837) Bad night (397)
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  (951): View more from California

  Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."

  (713): View more from Texas

  Well thank god i want six autographed copies

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  (951): Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles." (713): Well thank god i want six autographed copies http://tfl.nu/b8sw
  Replies (3) Good night (604) Bad night (547)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ

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  (515): My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ http://tfl.nu/eoqa
  Replies (2) Good night (479) Bad night (192)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.

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  (302): I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover. http://tfl.nu/nbnu
  Replies (1) Good night (183) Bad night (417)
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  (631): View more from New York

  And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.

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  (631): And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too. http://tfl.nu/sz5u
  Replies (2) Good night (170) Bad night (563)

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