You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
