He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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