i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
