sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
