Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My penis needs a shock collar
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize