I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
