I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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