And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
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Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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