Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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