CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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