Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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