Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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