the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How many fucks given?
0.12846
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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