grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
