the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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