and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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