You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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