She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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