This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize