I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
