By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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