end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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